Why this is England’s worst Ashes defeat in Australia in years

It is said The Camfield, the pub just outside Perth Stadium, is the largest in the southern hemisphere.

Plenty of room to drown English sorrows. Supporters can numb their pain, at least until they wake up on Sunday morning and find a ticket for the third day of the first Ashes Test is now nothing more than an expensive bookmark.

They have witnessed England’s worst Test defeat in Australia for years and the first two-day Ashes Test since 1921.

There have been some doozies. Bowled out for 68 by Scott Boland four years ago. Terrorised by Mitchell Johnson in 2013-14. Spun out by Shane Warne after declaring on 551-6 in Adelaide in 2006.

This hits different. England had a golden opportunity to pounce in Perth, win their first Test in this country for 14 years and their first away Ashes opener since 1986.

Instead, the shiny new Perth Stadium has turned out to be just the same as the Waca – dripping in English disappointment. Only one win in 15 visits to this city in 55 years.

Just after 1pm local time, England were 105 runs ahead with nine second-innings wickets in hand. Australia had been bowled out for 132 in their first innings. The pitch had made batters an endangered species.

Four and a half hours later, England had lost by eight wickets. And that included 20 minutes for tea. Deckchairs show more resistance to folding.

When England emerged for what turned out to be the final session of the match, they were still favourites. A target of 205 seemed stiff for Australia. Only 28.5 overs later, it was all done. England had been Trav-balled.

An England attack that was rampant only 24 hours earlier was dismantled by one of the great Ashes innings from Travis Head. From shock and awe to shocking and awful.

England are not a bad cricket team. They are a good cricket team that can occasionally be a thrilling cricket team. They are also a stubborn, maddening and slow-learning cricket team.

Many of the worst, most painful defeats since Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum took charge have been self-inflicted.

In Wellington in 2023, England made New Zealand follow on, and lost. In the Ashes of the same year, England declared on day one at Edgbaston, then had the benefit of Nathan Lyon limping off Lord’s. They lost both.

The following year, away to India in Rajkot: 224-2 in reply to 445, with Ravichandran Ashwin out of the match to attend a family emergency. England lost. In July of this year, England needed 73 more to pull off a record chase against India at The Oval with Harry Brook and Joe Root at the crease making hundreds. England lost.

It is great the Bazballers have form for backs-to-the-wall run chases, but it’s just as good to win from a position of dominance. Stokes often says he does not like the word “ruthless”. Perhaps it is because his team are not.

The most galling part of this defeat is what it could have done to Australia.

The West Australian newspaper harangued England through Perth airport, called them crybabys, arrogant and cocky. It only took one ropey first-day performance from Australia for the West Australian to turn on them.

Lyon was limping again. There were whispers Australia had picked the wrong team. Knives were out for Usman Khawaja and his dodgy back. Now Khawaja is a national hero for allowing Head to open the batting.

Stand-in captain Steve Smith might have been asked why he had rehearsed a monologue about Monty Panesar’s appearance on Mastermind. Instead he sat at the post-match news conference as a winning skipper, literally slapping Head on the back. It had echoes of eight years ago in Brisbane, when Smith and Cameron Bancroft laughed through the Jonny Bairstow headbutt incident.

Now Australia go to the second Test in Brisbane, played in a day-night format they hardly ever lose. The hosts have the luxury of not rushing Pat Cummins’ return.

Mitchell Starc, 10 wickets in Perth, has wizarding skills with the pink ball Harry Potter would be proud of.

Where do England go from here? They have been beaten so swiftly in Perth they have time to fly home, have a week off, then fly back to Brisbane for a round of golf and the second Test.

Australia bowled out England twice in 67.3 overs in Perth. Not since 1904 have England survived so few deliveries in losing a Test.

Listening to Stokes and McCullum, it appears one place the bulk of the Ashes squad will not be going is Canberra for a two-day pink-ball match between England Lions and the Prime Minister’s XI next weekend. England will rest in Brisbane instead.

The opportunity to tune up under lights will be largely passed in the name of unity and morale. England have only one training session under lights in Brisbane.

It would not be a surprise if England field the same XI in the second Test. The batters will be backed and the five-pronged pace attack looked on to something in the first innings in Perth.

Where England might turn if the batting continues to fail is a tricky question. Zak Crawley has been backed with Australia in mind, yet lasted only 11 balls across two innings here for the fourth Ashes pair by an England opener.

Crawley’s position is curious. His standing is boosted by the strength of his combination with Ben Duckett, though the Kent man’s returns are diminishing. His average as a Test opener – 30.22 – is the worst of any player with as many as Crawley’s 96 innings at the top of the order.

It’s not a close contest, either. Crawley is more than two runs behind West Indies’ Kraigg Brathwaite.

If England decided on a change – highly unlikely – their options are limited. There is not another specialist opener in the squad. Jacob Bethell and Will Jacks have joined the Lions game against a Cricket Australia XI at Lilac Hill and will bat on Sunday. It would be interesting if either peels off a hundred.

McCullum has said his team will stick to their “blueprint”. That is fine. Having conviction in a method is a sign of strong leadership and it would be odd to rip up three years of work and start again.

On Thursday – it feels like a lifetime ago – McCullum also said this Ashes series will “define” this England team.

The Bazballers are the sort of team capable of bouncing back from the pounding in Perth with a blitz of Brisbane.

If they don’t, they will be 2-0 down and on the way to being defined as the same as all the other England teams hammered in Australia in the past 14 years.