‘We are just parents, not a couple’: How to reconnect after having kids

4 hours agoEmily Holt

Rebecca Sommers

Rebecca has been with her husband for 10 years, but since having three children over the past three years she has grown “disconnected” from him.

“We are just cohabiting, like we’re not a couple. We are just parents,” she says.

Like many parents, they struggle to find time to spend alone.

“Our kids are so young and they are so demanding that it’s hard to even get five minutes to catch up and we’re both exhausted come the end of the day.”

She says the dynamic of her relationship changed after she gave birth to her first child.

“We knew it was going to be different when we started trying for our first baby, but I think the gravity of it, we weren’t expecting how different it would be.”

In Rebecca’s case, her whole life has changed as she’s switched from working full time

“His life is still his life. He does see how hard it is for me at home and also our relationship, he knows it’s affected, but he’d never bring it up.”

Getty Images

Kate Moyle, psychosexual and relationship therapist, says it’s normal for relationships to change after becoming parents.

“There’s nothing that can prepare you for becoming parents. You think you know yourselves really well as a couple, and then everything you think you know about someone is gone.”

The early years are typically the toughest with studies suggesting relationship dissatisfaction is often highest within the first three years of a child being born.

Kate says making changes to improve your relationship is not about trying to get back to life before children, but about adapting.

“It’s never going to look the same as it looked before, but we have to think about it in a new way now.”

Make time to hug and kiss

She advises thinking about the small things such as eye contact or touch that you can do with the time you have in the day together to make you feel like a couple again.

“We call this sexual currency in my world, which is, you know, a hand squeeze, a hug, a quick kiss, anything that makes you connected.

“And when we have those opportunities, drop everything else and just prioritise that.”

Kate says small actions like this can have a big impact on improving a romantic relationship.

“When you’re in the thick of it, that’s not the time to say we need to change everything.”

She says a kiss or a touch then become bridges for bigger moments of intimacy and connection in the relationship.

Be open about how you feel

Kate also recommends using a quiet moment to be honest about how the relationship is going.

“Their attention is the thing that we often miss. We feel separate, and then we think that our partner also feels separate, and we have this gap between us.”

Like friendships and families, Kate says you have to invest and nurture your relationship throughout, not just at the start.

“It takes work and adaptation and paying attention when we feel like we have nothing left.”

Spend time together without the kids

Sam Owen, relationship coach and author, says after children you often need to “get to know each other” again, suggesting dates or conversations about interests outside your kids.

Dates could include things like massages, checking into a hotel with a creche facility, playing games, getting creative with paint or drawing or cooking a nice meal together,” she says.

“It’s consciously creating a habit of connecting so it becomes part of your relationship.”

She says physical intimacy is also important.

“It’s a vital glue for keeping your relationship together, it helps improve communication and reduce couple conflict.”

Since talking to CBeebies Parenting Helpline about her relationship, Rebecca says her and her husband have done several different things to improve their relationship.

She says they now make sure they have meals still together with their children, but without their phones, which she says makes conversation flow easier without distractions.

They also make sure they spend some time together each evening after they have put the kids to bed, often watching a film or TV show which she says means they now have an offiical time to relax together.

“Relationships take work, if you both want it then you will always find a way back to each other, don’t shy away from the hard conversations and hold tight,” says Rebecca.

Other stories you may enjoy